It happens. You are driving down the left side of highway slightly faster than normal because you are late. Suddenly someone cuts you off causing the breaks to be slamed and almost results in an accident. Instantly, feelings of rage emerge.
Or your spouse promises they will be home by a certain time. You make plans but your spouse doesn’t show up, answer the phone or even call. By the time they arrive home, all plans are canceled and you are angry. Instead of having the same frustrating argument, try these steps.
Step 1: Define Anger. Most likely, you have experienced a time when everything seems to be going just fine. Then something unexpected happens and you feel this rush of intense emotion. Your heart races, your voice gets louder, or your fists clench. Next, you say or do something that you normally would not do if the intense emotion had not occurred. That is anger.
Anger is just an emotion. But it comes with an force that can negatively control your behavior. This emotion is quite useful in life and death situations. It can propel you into action motivating you beyond what is normal. But it can also be destructive in personal relationships. As it leaves a path of disaster much like the path of a tornado. Understand the varing degrees of your anger provides clues into potential dangerous moments.
Step 2: Don’t Blame Anger. Just because you are feeling angry and it is justified, it does not mean you have license to harm others. How many times have you heard someone say, “You make me so angry”? The reality is that they are responsible for getting angry just as you are responsible for your own anger.
The unchecked emotion of anger can control your actions in a negative manner. No one can “make” you angry unless you choose to be angry. Sometimes that choice is not a conscious one but an unconscious choice based on experiences and decisions made in the past. Nonetheless, it is your choice to allow anger to control you.
Step 3: Manage your Anger. There are two main effective ways of managing anger in the moment. One is to not speak and think about your anger overnight. The other is to confront your anger. Neither of which indicates that another person must be involved in resolving your anger.
Not speaking and thinking about your reaction overnight allows the intensity of the emotion to subside. Perhaps the issue was not worth destroying a relationship. Confronting your anger does not mean lashing out on someone else. Rather it is a process where you evaluate what you are really angry about. (Hint: most people are more angry about something that happened in the past rather then the momentary issue.)
Step 4: Reconcile Anger. Once you have defined your anger, accepted responsibility for it and managed properly managed it, then you can begin the process of reconciliation. Since anger destroys relationships, it is likely that there is a trail of failed relationships in the quake of your anger. Even if the relationship may seem to be fine, unreconciled anger limits intimacy.
Again, your present anger may have less to do with present circumstances and more to do with your past. Take the time to reconcile old relationships and you will find that your anger is less intense the next time.
Anger can a helpful tool in your personal growth. It can identify areas of your past that still need resolution. However, it can also be destructive if not properly addressed. If you know of someone who needs help with their anger, speak up kindly and lovingly to them in a safe environment. Just make sure you have already addressed your anger issues first before confronting them.