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30 thoughts on “The Stages of Narcissistic Sexual Abuse

  • June 10, 2015 at 8:03 pm
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    While this article is written from a female point of view, there are many of us males out here mired in a relationship with a narcissist. The first 18 months were great: great sex, great activities, lots of laughs…. then it began to change. Narcissistic rages, the “stare”, changing my hairstyle, having me grow a goatee, getting me in good shape by insisting on taking me to the gym, in other words, changing me to fit her template. Sex became focused on her needs…. mine came afterward, if at all. Giving me the intimate details of all her previous boyfriends and husbands. Flashing her breasts at inappropriate moments and laughing at my embarrassment and telling me I was being “controlling” if I objected. This woman is 58! And while I don’t feel I am uptight about nudity (I have been to Burning Man 9 times) there is a time and a place and social situations are not the place. I have seen all the typical behaviors: poor gift giving; obsession with her looks; inappropriate sexualization of every conversation… even with strangers; assigning blame to anyone but herself for her behaviors…It goes on and on. I live in my private Hell, hoping she will change, or at least look inward, but it doesn’t happen and I am in therapy and seeking a way to get Me back.

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    • June 11, 2015 at 9:29 am
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      You are so right, it can happen to men as well. Thank you for sharing some of your experience. So thankful you are getting help.

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  • June 13, 2015 at 6:59 pm
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    Then there is the cerebral narcissist who is “asexual” and prefers porn and himself. That is a tough one. Lundy Bancroft writes a pretty good description of those people.

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  • June 16, 2015 at 1:55 am
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    Hi Christine
    Great site, you have confirmed what I had thought for a long time and that is my wife of 2 years is a narcissist. The descriptions on your site match her perfectly. I am currently living in a hell relationship with no way out as we have a child together and she is now pregnant again.

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  • June 18, 2015 at 2:18 am
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    Thank God for this article. It was all my reality and now I am estranged from the sons who inherited many of narc tendencies. It is a scary and horrible reality to face again, as a Mom of adult sons. My therapist is telling me I have a victim mindset. I am trying to keep it all in perspective but it is very hard. You don;t want to think your sons are like that- especially because I left the marriage when they were 6 and 2. All I know is you described what happened. I am over it most of the time but the withholding and blaming from my older son really hurts. It helps to read these words and remember I had a horrible time and now I have a son who witholds just to hurt me. Someone told me maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

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  • August 3, 2016 at 4:03 am
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    This is the only article I have been able to find that even comes close to what I endured with the ex narc. It was 12 years of daily sexual harassment. I honestly liked sex a lot when we married. By the time it was over I welcomed celibacy. Loved celibacy like I used to love sex. I can’t imagine ever wanting intimacy again at this point in my life.

    I did things I didn’t like. He did things to me I said NO to. I endured frequent long talks about his sexual “needs”. There was no such thing as frequent enough. I said no to the kitchen counter. Told him I was too old…not limber enough. I was actually thinking that I’d never be able to prepare food there again.

    I couldn’t touch him in even the most platonic manner without him wanting sex because of the touch. In the end I could only go through with it if I’d had at least one glass of wine. Two made it easier. Three was
    numbing enough I felt less violated. He learned this and would run and get me another glass of wine – and another. Eventually, I had to know far enough ahead of time that I could prepare myself. I became incapable of anything impromptu. Of course the more damage I suffered the more demands and the more talks about how I was failing his sexual “needs”. He told me more than once he loved marriage because of the freedom to have sex anytime he wanted. He often told me he wished it was legal to marry multiple wives. By the end I wished so, too. God is was exhausting!!

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  • August 3, 2016 at 4:13 am
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    Also, at the end I found out he was having multiple affairs. So he was getting it on the side and then harassing me every single day for it. I wasn’t as angry about the affairs as I was that I had endured so much because I was, quite simply, his EASIEST source for sex. I was only there for his gratification. His “anytime he wanted it” sex.

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    • August 3, 2016 at 8:19 am
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      So sorry to hear your story but thankful that the article helped. Unfortunately, it was written based on information received from many of spouses of narcissistic partners.

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  • October 9, 2016 at 7:27 pm
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    My ex is like this. He became increasingly sexually abusive (especially after I opened up to him about my past history of sexual abuse), and eventually raped me. He kept sucking me back in, because I really bonded with him when we were together, and couldn’t believe it was really “him” that had done this to me…he did it again, in June. He refuses to admit it, even though he knows it and seems disturbed by it (or, I would argue, half-proud, half-disturbed by it, as if it makes him a “bad boy” or something that he waited until I was vulnerable, then held me down and raped me). I don’t think he is a bad person so much as a highly, highly disturbed person. He has hurt me really incredibly, though.

    I am currently without counseling services, and he is trying to get back together with me again (we slept together again, and fortunately he did not rape me, although this is the beginning of the cycle and so he is still on good behavior). Please tell me to stay away from this person.

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    • October 10, 2016 at 7:57 am
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      One of the hardest things in life is doing what you know needs to be done. Please don’t punish yourself as you struggle to find a way out. Anyone who has survived rape is a survivor with amazing amounts of inner strength. This is the time to use that strength and get away from your ex. My email is [email protected].

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  • January 7, 2017 at 10:28 pm
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    I wanted to cry reading your article. I knew my soon-to-be ex-husband was abusive, but I didn’t realize just how many boundaries he crossed. I think the hardest thing about this is that he is now busy assassinating my character and saying that I liked it rough and kinky and that I made up the rape allegations in the DVRO case. Unfortunately the judge believed him saying, “Women often make things up in cases like this.”

    Reading the article, I now know that my husband been incrementally abusing me almost our entire marriage. He likes to tell me that I am confused or that I misunderstood his actions, because “he’s not that type of person” and trying to guilt me back into the marriage for our poor children who miss their daddy.

    I will NEVER go back to him again.

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    • January 7, 2017 at 10:52 pm
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      I’m so sorry about the judge, so many people don’t fully understand the different ways a person can be abused. At least you are free. Many blessings for you.

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  • March 3, 2017 at 10:53 am
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    I’m 15 yrs post divorce from a narc. But just now discovering what he was. Thank you for your article. It was a series of tremendous, albeit crushing ‘aha’ moments. Still loathe myself for not fighting my way out sooner, for disregarding what I intrinsically knew was the wrongness of his actions/treatment of me. But at my age currently,(almost 60) with 25 yrs in a marriage at that time and as I said 15 yrs ago. I’d never heard of NPD, nor did I associate with women that discussed in broad or finite detail aspects of their sexual lives by which to measure what was happening in mine. In retrospect I know I was literally used and abused, drugged/drunk, physically harmed, exposed to diseases with no regard. All to satisfy his whims. Online and in real time I was used. I was ‘made over’ into the likeness of one of his ‘girlfriends’. At nearly every juncture I saw ‘red flag’s, heard the bells, whistles and sirens too. Yet believed as he told me ‘if you love me you will….’ Thank goodness for the information being available to others nowadays. Can only hope it saves them from illness, harm and all else that accompanies being in a relationship with a narcissist.

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  • April 6, 2018 at 9:49 am
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    The narc is not always male. My wife is a narc and I am in the process of divorcing her. I have threatened her too many times without acting. She may be asexual or still dealing the rejection from her previous relationship prior to our marriage and subconsciously exacting her revenge on me – who knows? Either way she is very manipulative and manages to wiggle out of having sex almost every time – frequency is now down to may three or four time s a year and the downward spiral is continuing. I expect it will be once a year soon. She makes a great show of intending to have have sex i.e. flirting and being provocative and then invariably suddenly “falls asleep” when the time comes to make good on the threat of sex. She then feigns surprise the next day and pretends as though it is my fault I did not wake her up. Who wants to force someone who obviously is avoiding the activity? Not me! I am good in bed and make sure to always bring a woman to climax. In fact she thoroughly enjoys every sexual encounter we have because I am skilled and considerate lover. (This has been affirmed by women in past relationships – some of whom would take me back in a heartbeat.) This is the opposite with her. She does not feel the need to put forth any effort or do anything she considers to be “nasty”like fellatio but will gladly receive without giving back. She belittles my attempts to broach the subject and makes me feel like an absolute fool while telling me how much she loves me and the our family. I have come to the conclusion that one just has to find a partner who is not a narc. There is no cure for this. Everything is about manipulation and control with narcs. They have no conscience and only regret their actions when there are real consequences. Even then the temporary change their behavior is only an elaborate manipulation tactic. NB: The thing I hate about these types of forums the most is that they always find some way of twisting the issue and laying blame on the man as the original source of the problem. Just like some men, some women are just bad apples.

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  • April 11, 2018 at 12:42 pm
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    It was very eery reading this, it’s literally as if the article is written about me. I was with him 15 yrs, we are separated and I have ptsd and severe anxiety, etc. I submitted to his sexual requests and demands each time knowing that on 1 hand if I submit to this maybe I’ll get ‘brownie points’ and he’ll leave me alone a few days….which never happened. It always upped the ante. The next time had to be bigger than the last time. He would call me frigid and say I wasn’t being what he signed up for. I’d be exhausted after working, dealing with 2 young children and just want a break. He’d try to feed me drinks, strong ones so I’d pass out and he could do whatever he wanted. He incessantly begged for a threesome for years, Or I should say he wanted to watch me have unprotected sex w another man of his choosing. I held steadfast for years that I did not want that. He would get mad and withold affection and communication for 2-3 days after. I finally relented out of desperation exhaustion or my higher self knew this was my way out?? I did it and ended up having affair w other man. What I endured when he found out, I would never wish on anyone. I moved out of the family home, he makes an enormous salary and I’m on food stamps. We obviously have a long way to go to sort it out

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      • October 25, 2018 at 5:19 pm
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        Thanks for your reply from April. I have listened to every one of your podcasts, most of them more than once. You have such a good grasp and understanding of it all. I’m in the throes of divorce and it is helping me on this journey.

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  • June 17, 2018 at 2:33 pm
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    I left my ex husband for the last time 2/5/2018. I have been with him off and on for the past 25 years. He has brain washed all 3 of my sons into thinking I abondoned them and am currently fighting for sole leagal custody of my son that is still a minor. The abuse, lies, gaslighting and fear of my life got so bad this time I had to leave. The fears I have are real and still difficult to discuss, but I’m starting to be able to wrap my head around what has happened. I believe I have PTSD and certain memories come flying back to me on a constant basis and have been working with a therapist to practice ‘grounding techniques’ to minimize my anxiety attacks. I have now been waking in the middle of the night with nightmares. My ex husband has blocked all my communication and valiant effort to talk with my youngest son. This morning I woke up and googled sexual abuse by my narcissistic ex husband and came across your article. See for years, I thought that the sexual tendencies of my ex were so off the wall that I could not talk to anyone about it. I was ashamed and scared, today I am not. He has the only thing that matters to me, my children. I need help to get my son away from him. His lies, his infidelities and awkward sexual desires have always scared me to speak up. I always wondered how many shades of personalities one person could have, because he has them all. It started years ago with pegging, then cross dressing and sneaking out to the gay clubs, and the only way I could satisfy his sneaking around was to allow his behavior behind closed doors…then over the past 4 years had escalated to cuckolding and fantasy play and chat rooms and craigslist ads…that I have been very uncomfortable with…my reason for staying in the past was to be with my children because he would block me from them..always telling the authorities that I was the one on drugs and even tho there was a court order he would not allow my children to go with me. I have family court mediation tomorrow, my son is missing and failing school and I’m still scared to share my story with the court because I don’t know if it would matter. What do I do?

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  • October 13, 2018 at 5:18 am
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    I’m very active in my healing and educating myself to understand what I’ve gone through. This topic isn’t discussed anywhere in any group I’ve seen though it’s understandable why. I feel like without this aspect of his personality I probably could’ve handled him with ease. I’m not sure how prevalent this is with Narcissists. He was fairly extreme. It was always Craigslist when he had me do things while he was home but apparently he was with escorts and other women he found online as well when he traveled for work which was regularly and then it was Tinder as I discovered it all recently. And just like every other textbook Narcissistic trait these men (and women) share, he was as equally well represented in your article here. I still don’t understand how their methods of abuse can almost be verbatim across the board – it’s so eerie. Glad to have survived it all.

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    • October 25, 2018 at 5:25 pm
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      Brandy, what you describe is so similar to my situation. I posted right above your post (beautifulmess). I’m in a bitter high conflict divorce, I pray I have the strength to get thru this because everyone tells me divorcing a narc is the hardest thing and we don’t even have a separation agreement yet. Best of luck to you

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