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10 thoughts on “Why Some People Struggle With Intimacy

  • June 21, 2015 at 11:18 am
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    So how does this play out in the case of being married to a covert narcissist who I would say is at the lower end of the spectrum? After 20 years of marriage I discovered he was having an emotional affair, and while in many ways this has forced us to address what has been lacking in our marriage, and has improved as we are growing closer, he still however doesn’t “let me in” to his inner world. We never address the hard stuff, the stuff that would increase intimacy between us, even though I feel like he wants to he just can’t seem to do it, always avoiding it when I attempt to bring us closer. While we have moved past the affair, in some ways it still haunts me (that there are more secrets hidden from me) because he never wanted to do the healing work with me, I had to do this healing alone. I want to be more intimate but I admit I am fearful of further infidelity. Any advice you can share would be greatly appreciated. Thank-you

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    • June 21, 2015 at 2:19 pm
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      In general, narcissists have not moved past the second stage which is autonomy vs. doubt/shame. As a result, true intimacy is not possible.

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  • June 24, 2015 at 10:59 am
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    I know I have problem with intimacy. I am not able to relax. I am in constant tense. I don´t have relationship for 7 years. I am 33 years old. I am transman, before testosteron, operation, before everything. I have strong libido, therefore live only on porn with my vibrators. I wasn´t molested. I am bipolar and have anxiety. I take medication. So how should I learn intimacy and to relax?

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  • June 24, 2015 at 11:14 am
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    I’m 65, my wife is 70. Together 23 years, married 20. My wife was 9 when her mother died and her father didn’t feel he could raise her, so she was sent off to one, then another older sister. Alcohol abuse, mood disorders & behavioral problems run throughout her her whole family, my wife included. She also has been verbally and emotionally abusive, as well as sexually manipulative.

    I’ve been able to piece together, over the years, via her own words and my observations, that she had an active and varied love/sex life(men, women, groups). With me, however, no matter how loving, understanding and considerate I was, love making was always difficult to initiate, leaving me angry and confused. And around 2010, I lost my ability to sexually function, due to the emotional and verbal abuse. We’ve been through couples therapy and individual therapy, but the changes I experience from her seem to be surface changes. She told me, two years ago, that she never found me sexually attractive, preferring men who treated her badly. Why am I still with her? Because I have severe, untreatable bipolar illness, on SSDI since 2011, and have been dependent on her to have a roof over my head. We’re two malfunctioning people in a malfunctioning marriage.

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    • June 24, 2015 at 12:27 pm
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      I recommend getting some individual help for your situation. Focus on what you can and can’t change first before you tackle the marriage issues.

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  • June 24, 2015 at 4:46 pm
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    I was molested by my father and raped by a family “friend” – I have been married, have children, but I never relaxed and still have difficulty relaxing. I am hypervigilant – always. I am in counseling, but live alone now, which gets lonely, but I feel a relief in not having to perform sex. Is there any help for someone who wants a relationship, without the sex?

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    • June 25, 2015 at 5:57 am
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      Yes, there are other people out there who are interested in a non-sexual relationship. It takes some work to find them but they do exisit.

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  • June 25, 2015 at 8:20 am
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    Christine,

    I should have thought before posting. Though I found your post informative and saw aspects of my wife, I think your writing and focus is addressed to women. Thank you, though, for your reply.

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