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16 thoughts on “The Dysfunctional Ways a Family Protects a Narcissist

  • July 21, 2017 at 6:58 am
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    At the heart of both the narcissist and her ego slaves is a lack of courage. The narcissist knows she asking for things she’s not entitled to, and her co-conspirators know they’re giving her things they shouldn’t be. Saying “no” would be messy, but it has to be said.

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  • July 24, 2017 at 3:06 pm
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    Unfortunately this can be so hard. Almost impossible. Esp when you’re kid. They won’t have it. It’s not an option. Unless you go, for good.

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  • July 24, 2017 at 8:35 pm
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    It’s difficult for those who haven’t lived with a narc to believe, but the victim(s)/target(s) of the narc are literally powerless to stop or fight this behavior. Ironically, the more the narc gets away with, the worse the “punishment” for resistance gets, and that only increases their power over the family members and target even more. It’s so easy to say “oh, so they get mad, so what?” But truly, try to imagine living every moment, every breath you take, everything you say, do, think, hear, is negative, negative, negative. Every word out of the narc’s mouth at home is criticism, punishment, vicious, cruel, lies calculated to deliberately chip and hack away pieces of the family members’ self image and even their sense of reality, until they don’t even know any more that it’s NOT normal to live in fear of mommy getting mad and punishing them for some imagined transgression. Spewing hateful lies about beloved aunts or grandparents, or the other parent or another sibling, keeping them cocooned in this dark, poisonous atmosphere. Finally their minds are so poisoned by this black, toxic sludge they’ve been steeped in 24/7/365 that they have no will, nor strength, nor do they believe they can ever escape, and they’re absolutely terrified of the consequences of even perceived resistance. They have no privacy; every call, text, book, piece of paper any of them has in their possession will be seen and acted upon. In some cases the narc doubles down on the control; threats of court or police action, threats to “have you locked up” in a mental hospital, even stalking their spouses and children to ensure they don’t see anyone not authorized while they’re away from home. It’s my opinion, based on horrible experience, that if it’s allowed to go far enough, some narcs will cross the line into physical harm; lighting houses on fire, cutting brake lines, enlisting boyfriends to carry out their dirty work of harassing and even roughing up their spouse. Even if it doesn’t go to that extreme, it destroys children; they almost always end up in the same kind of abusive, toxic relationship, never knowing a moment’s happiness or freedom from fear.

    I spent 40 years in such a marriage. It destroyed my life. But worse, my son, who grew up abused as much as I was, ended up marrying a malignant narcissist who frankly, I think may be worse (house on fire, brake lines, boyfriends with baseball bats) . . . this is my greatest sin; condemning my son, and now his two sons, to this life of Hell on earth. I have to live with that too, on top of trying, but not succeeding, to somehow cobble together an identity, and a life, for whatever time I have left – but alone. All contact between me and my son and grandsons was severed by their tormentor.

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  • March 24, 2018 at 5:08 pm
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    I was abused by both my mother and father. My Mother was never happy about anything and it was impossible to stay in her good graces. She would get mad at the least thing, especially with my dad and me. She hated him and being as I look just like him I suppose when she looked at me she saw him. She would get sullen and it was usually a full two weeks she would not talk to me at all. The silent treatment is something I struggle with to this day. She called me stupid, ignorant, and ugly among many other things.

    My dad started doing things to me when I was 5 years old that no little girl should never have to go through. I was so afraid of him I could not run from him or else he would beat me with a belt that it would leave black whelps on my bottom AND LEGS.

    I STRUGGLE WITH THESE ISSUES DAILY AND I AM 73 YEARS OLD. tHEY WERE BOTH MERAN AND VERY AGRESSIVE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. tHEY ARE BOTH DECEASED NOW BUT THE MEMORIES LIVE ON.

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  • August 4, 2019 at 5:21 pm
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    I’m seeing this now that I’m finally getting healthy away from my ex. He’s exhausting and was a dark cloud over our family for more than a decade. But in retaliation, he’s worked hard to alienate our children from me and I’ve recently learned they believe I did things that HE did. How do I manage that without simply causing more drama? Do I try to correct the lies one by one? Do I just accept this and hope they figure it out someday? It’s beyond heartbreaking.

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      • August 11, 2019 at 8:08 am
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        Looking forward to your ‘parental alienation’ article. Hope it will be posted here soon, because I belong to numerous closed ‘Parental Alienation’ FB groups, with members numbering in the many thousands, and the vast majority of us in these groups have not figured out yet ‘how to counteract parental alienation’. So if you have the answer, the REAL answer, that would be close on a miracle for us.

        Meanwhile our children of every age, under the control and influence of their Narcissist and/or Borderline (NPD/BPD) alienating parent, are themselves slowly but very surely not only becoming fully enmeshed with that parent and his/her warped and emotionally-stunted views, but are becoming personality disordered themselves as well, to the extent that any chances for them of recovery (of their true selves) look to be up against very poor odds…..

        Cheers

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  • August 9, 2019 at 1:13 am
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    I am finally recognizing that my mother is a covert narcissist, with a tendency to gaslight. It is both difficult and liberating at the same time because I feel strong enough to finally put an end to a very unhealthy relationship, despite the fact she’s been a mother to me. I feel I could pretty well predict if she gossips about this to the rest of the family, it would be called, “unfortunate, but give it time, she (being me) may come around and realize what you mean to her.” I could be wrong, but knowing my family I feel they could very well day this. Is this a form of enabling and/or ignorance? I have questioned my own sanity and my self worth has taken a hit. She is a functioning alcoholic who does not take responsibility for her behavior, and is easily angered if anyone brings it up. She puts others lives (including my own) at risk everytime she has more than two drinks and then gets in the car. It is often embarrassing and enervating to be in her presence. I know now I am not the crazy one, and I can’t do this anymore. So needless to say, I say to anyone to trust your gut and get out as safely as possible!

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