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10 thoughts on “What is Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG)?

  • July 20, 2018 at 6:57 pm
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    I’ve run into a weird situation. My daughter (who has been in a relationship with a person i would call kind of manipulative – a few red flags kind of person for the past year) became more and aggressive and dismissive toward me during this time. At 40, she still complains that she was required to do chores as a kid, and has always exhibited resentment if you disagreed with her or tried to hold her accountable for her actions.
    She has recently prolaimed that i am a controlling narcissist and that i am responsible for her feelings. Last year she cut off contact saying we had to go to counseling to learn to communicate. Five months of her telling me what i felt, what i thought, telling me it didn’t matter if i had never said anything like what she said i said, because “she knew”. I was told that when she spoke to me in the future i should only listen unless she asked for my opinion. I was told that my stories about my life were lies and that i changed my story whenever i felt like it. I was told that she could tell my life story better than i could. I told her that was quite a talent based on her claim that i changed my story all the time. I listened to her for 5 months. A couple of times her comments and lies were so outrageous i called her out. Other than saying that i was judgemental and controling and that i imposed these feelings of inadequacy, she never gave any examples.. And even though i didn’t ask for any, she said it was wrong to expect her to give an example. It was troubling when she would say “we remembered” and then only talk about feelings. I am not perfect. I own up to my mistakes. I have a long list of examples of how her childhood was not a demanding one, but when someone feels that dishwashing was unfair to her, where do you go from there? Her rules for conversation was that all my memories are false designed to overwrite her memories, i was not allowed to explain, or defend myself. After five months of constant anger towards me in counseling, her saying increasingly more hurtful things, like “i don’t like your smile”, I gave up. I feel much better now.

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    • July 21, 2018 at 8:28 am
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      I hate you’ve gone through this experience, but I hope you find healing for yourself. I saw my father treat his parents and mother like this and hurt them, and I in turn married my “soul mate” who was/is (no surprise) a narcissist. It’s like they all have a pre-programmed handbook of what to say and do. My now-ex would tell stories of how “unfair” it was his parents wanted him to do things like drop off/pick up his younger brother from school, get a job to help pay for college, or help do dishes. These are not unreasonable expectations, but he felt he was “special” and should have been allowed “more time to work on writing.” He thinks he’ll be the next best-seller, and I supported him for a long time till I realized he was too scared of failure to risk doing it and could never handle the demands of an editor.

      Like your daughter, he conveniently rewrote our history together (12-years of marriage) to proclaim I was manipulative, controlling (but dependent), and lacked empathy. He told me I “was dismissive of his emotions and feelings” and had ruined his adult life. He said my therapist and psychiatric doctor had “misdiagnosed” me and that I’d “fooled” them into thinking I was depressed when I actually had Borderline Personality Disorder. He found a fan club of younger, impressionable students at the college where he lectures and left me for one of them. It’s not easy to give up on a loved one, but it’s not moral to allow them to destroy us. I’m sure you’ve given till you cannot give anymore. My ex and your daughter are who they are and are adults accountable for their actions. We don’t and do not want to control them. Embrace any supporters you have and enjoy a narc-free life.

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  • July 20, 2018 at 7:44 pm
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    Whoa – this is *exactly* what I am going through with my own mother right now. The realization that she is most likely a narcissist is scary and angering and frustrating and depressing and yet explains so much of the last 40 years.

    Thank you so much for this post and for spelling out the grief steps I didn’t realize I was already starting to take.

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  • July 25, 2018 at 9:30 am
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    The only stage missing here is the last where you leave them and never speak with them again. Without that step all the rest is for nought. If you don’t cut them from your life completely you will regress. They are mentally ill and will eventually wear you down and bring you back to the original dynamic.

    You can’t deal with them or even cope with them because much of this began when your were a child or, in many cases, before you could even speak so they have the upper hand.

    A therapist needs to understand that you can’t tear one house down without building another.

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  • January 5, 2019 at 1:36 pm
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    I am 62 years old and have often “smelled a rat” in my relationship with my older and Larger than Life Itself sister. A recent, very sustained (and unfounded!), fit of anger and blame in my direction has me FINALLY confronting the truth about my sister’s narcissism and my own complimentary role. Your podcasts (accompanied by counseling) are helping me get through this day by day. One minute, I see the top of the mountain and next minute, find myself backing down and feeling only immense sorrow at thinking about leaving her behind me. This time I know that I can’t let it draw me back! It’s such a tough course, but I’m so hopeful to stick with it…… I wanted you to know how much I appreciate your podcast. My sister is a star doctor in our small community and practically everyone falls to their knees around her. I can never share a single frustration with anyone except my husband and therapist. I don’t like having to realize her lies and false investments with other people that I’ve accepted all these years are REALLY lies and deception. It’s always made me squirm, and now to be enlightened at the recognition of what narcissism is helps me understand.

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