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What is Love?


At first, it sounds like a silly question. Not to Julie. She was trying to pin down a new definition after having been in an abusive relationship for eight years….


5 thoughts on “What is Love?

  • February 23, 2019 at 2:01 pm
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    For our entire 26-year marriage, I was all of these except cheerful. I pretended to be and found joy in the kids’ and even his presence and accomplishments, but truly cheerful I was not. Otherwise, I was all of these, but they were all unreciprocated before, during, and even after my discovery of his affair. He was none of these except cheerful—until I created and stuck with with my boundary of very low-contact (because of kids) as he refused consistent change. Then he was no longer cheerful, and even more unkind, uncaring, impatient, etc. This seems like the definition of an abusive relationship.

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  • February 23, 2019 at 2:19 pm
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    I was all of these except cheerful. I pretended to be and found joy in the kids’ and even his accomplishments, but truly cheerful I was not. Otherwise, I was all of these, but they were all unreciprocated before, during, and even after my discovery of his affair. He was none of these —except cheerful—until I created my boundary of very low-contact (because of kids) and stuck with it since he refused consistent change. Then he was no longer cheerful, and became even more unkind, uncaring, impatient, etc. This seems like the definition of an abusive relationship.

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  • February 25, 2019 at 4:43 pm
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    I really appreciated this list. I am currently working through the things I learned as the eldest son of abusive mother, who I now believe has covert narcissistic personality disorder.

    Most of my life has been spent learning to love and give freely to the people I care about and am always willing to go above and beyond for my relationships.

    Until now though, I have always missed that this should go both ways, reciprocity instead of the law of diminishing returns. This has enabled other CNPD’s to effectively zero in on my personality and feed for a while until I didn’t have much left to offer and then watching as they moved on and I was left to wonder how I failed again.

    Thankfully, a close friend had watched what I was going through and had a glimpse of how I was really being treated and he sent me a video that started me down the right path to recognizing what I was doing and what I was dealing with. That along with the help of some great professionals sorting through this all I am finally feeling optimistic that I won’t put myself in that situation again.

    If you aren’t seeing these things in your life. Communicate openly and honestly about them with your partner. Working together to improve and care for one another can bring nothing but good for you and those around you.

    If you aren’t getting these things, especially the last five, it would be worth seeking a professional for your own health, and if you always feel like you are never enough but don’t have anything left to give that you take a look into the narcissist personality disorders. When I did, a lot of the things I have never understood came into focus for the first time in my 45+ years of my life.

    The therapist that had been working with me immediate (and thankfully) referred me to one who had experience in dealing with the NPD and its victims. I can’t communicate how grateful I am to have hope again and to realize that love is actually closer to what I thought and was offering than what I had allowed to replicate in my life. (Sucker for the love bombing phase, and as a guy its hard to admit that you are being abused as an adult)

    I do believe that two hearts that have chosen to love one another can accomplish and survive darn near anything. I am hopeful that I am getting smart enough now to recognize real love when it is offered to me and to weed out the great actors that are out there who can’t love anyone other than themselves.

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