advertisement

24 thoughts on “The Frustration of Dealing with Narcissistic In-Laws

  • August 10, 2016 at 7:05 pm
    Permalink

    My husband comes from a very dysfunctional family and it has taken me years to realize pretty much every problem is a result, including lack of boundaries. It has been hard on me and now it is filtering into problems with the in laws. People who have no boundaries cannot respect others’ boundaries. It is a very difficult situation to be in.

    Reply
  • October 26, 2016 at 1:30 am
    Permalink

    I believe that my husband’s mother is a Narcissist. All the research I have done explains my situation almost to the T! The problem is my Husband at this point is still in denial that his mother is a problem for our Marriage. We want kids but I am not willing to go there until these issues are resolved. Every time I say something he takes it as a personal attack against himself or her and is still often “siding with her”. I have cut contact with his parents and only speak to them when necessary. I have convinced him to see a professional but I am concerned that he is going to ‘talk the talk’ and say all the right things with the professional and then still not follow through in his actions (this is the pattern of behaviour). Is there anything else I can do to help this situation?!

    Reply
    • October 26, 2016 at 9:47 am
      Permalink

      Yes, met with the professional alone and express your concerns. Ask for help in resolving this now. You are wise not to have kids until the issues are addressed.

      Reply
  • November 27, 2016 at 3:37 am
    Permalink

    So what do you do if your spouse refuses to protect you or set boundaries, and does nothing but defend and protect the narcissist family?

    “Years of not protecting the new spouse will accumulate intense resentment that might be too much to bear for the new spouse. Remember this is the secret dream of the NP: to prove that they were right all along.” This is a depressing statement to me. So it means the narcissist family wins in the end and you lose your spouse and sometimes hope of children if you are already nearing the end of childbearing years. This leaves no hope.

    Reply
  • March 21, 2017 at 9:29 am
    Permalink

    These examples are spot-on and my husband and I have faced them all first-hand. We even separated for a while because of the strain his narcissistic mother and enabler father had placed on our marriage. However, his younger brother and his wife have received none of these treatments. In fact, they’re lauded and praised to others. They treat them exactly opposite of how they treated and continue to treat us. Is this normal?

    Reply
  • May 16, 2017 at 8:54 pm
    Permalink

    I wished I saw this post three years ago. My partner are engaged and planning to get married late 2019.
    So true about how they seem so genuine and caring at first then all of sudden these un true rumors come out about me. Its been happing for awhile and don’t want to flood you with the long story. my partner and I are from different background and have different cultures but that never stopped us from loving each other, so yeah there was a few things they mocked about my family values and I know everyone is different but to mock it is just disrespectful cause I know my family will never do that to my partner. We started to notice that his parents have been coming into the town were we live and only visits his younger sister and blantly lie to us that they haven’t come into town. One night last week my partner and I went out to eat in town and what you know his mum was in town too. Ive asked my partner how does he feel about it and seemed lost and I notice he didn’t wish her happy mothers day. Instead of looking forward to our wedding, I’m scared on how they will be on the day and his sisters love to be in centre of everything and his mum loves to act all emotional victim. Wished we all were a family and no bad blood between us.

    Reply
  • June 7, 2017 at 4:23 pm
    Permalink

    My husband and I have been married for 28 years. His parents, the narcissists in this story, always asked him for money before and after he graduated from college (which he had to work and pay for himself!) I was never told by my husband before our marriage how much $ they had taken from him with no intention of paying it back. I found out about it when I had to give him what was in my savings account (I was a teacher) to pay off the loans he had taken out for them. I was shocked that anyone would do that to their child just to enhance their lifestyle. The father couldn’t keep a job, I thought, because of his arrogance, and the mother sometimes worked and it didn’t seem to bother her that they put-upon their 5 children, mostly my husband, I guess, since he was the last to be married. One time, after we were married, the father called asking for money. My husband actually asked me what we should do. I emphatically said, “We tell them NO!” So, he told them no, and I am assuming he meant it and he did not send them anymore $. (Remember, my husband had not been honest about his dead-beat parents before we were married.)

    My first sign of their narcissism was the very first time I met them. Future husband took me to their home (in another state) for a breakfast his mom was supposedly making. We sat down to a pancake breakfast with 2 syrups sitting on the table. The mom told me in front of everyone that one of them was a homemade syrup and the other was an Aunt Jemima bottle. So, I said that I would love to try her homemade syrup and proceeded to reach for the container. As I did, I was stopped by the father’s booming voice making it clear that that syrup was HIS and that I should have the other syrup! Wow, if that wasn’t a sign that I should have thought twice about this marriage, I do not know what it was. Years later, I see the meaning of that incident to be that their son, who was a constant source of extra money for them to live beyond their means and impress people, was “THEIRS” and his money was THEIRS. Over the years, they continued to try everything they could, including some of his siblings, to ostracize me and ask for things behind my back. I have never done anything but be gracious and generous to all of these people, which they did not deserve. I have been yelled at by one of my husband’s sisters for no reason at a family function, oh, and she is one who still feels free to call my husband and ask him for frequent flyers!!; one of his Sisters-in-law told me that I wasn’t allowed to name my child the original name I wanted to name her; His parents may have given our children a few little cheap gifts in all these years, otherwise, they are ignored; one of my husband’s brothers cussed me out in an email sent to everyone when I simply said, “You’re kidding, right?” when one of the siblings wanted lots of money per family to buy the 87 year-old mom a new car! After calling me names, etc., he told me that I “better get back with him on how much we WOULD give” to buy his ungrateful mom a car! THAT was the first time I had ever, in 28 years, stood up to them, as weak as that “standing-up to them” was.

    A couple of days later, my husband FINALLY stuck-up for me after one of our daughters told him he better! After 26 years of marriage, he came to my defense saying that I have sacrificed much in the past to help him overcome his debts due to his narcissistic parents (he didn’t call them that) and that I did not deserve that. I have never been given an apology by the BIL. 4 months later, I mailed him a letter telling him exactly what I thought of his extremely rude, ill-advised response to me.

    The request for more money to buy MIL a new car came at the same time that I had accidentally found out that my husband was transferring 3 times as much money than we had been giving each month from our joint checking account into an account for her. (My FIL passed away in 2011 and after that, the siblings thought everyone should contribute a certain amount each month to help-out the MIL.) My husband had obviously met with his “siblings” behind my back and decided to make that amount 3 times as much.

    Even though my husband has deceived me over the years and hasn’t stood up for me against his evil, selfish family, he has nonetheless been a good provider and a good father to our children. I think that I would have made the decision not to marry him had I known more about his and his siblings unnatural, weird obsession with their narcissistic parents.

    Reply
  • May 27, 2018 at 1:59 pm
    Permalink

    I am at a loss at the moment. Please help. My husband has a narcissistic father and stepmother. He grew up not allowed to have any of his big feelings. After his younger brother (GC) came, my husband became the scapegoat. He has struggled his whole life to get even an inkling if their approval.
    They are wealthy and call themselves Christians but are prideful, abusive and manipulative and use their “help” to exert power and control. The father came onto me drunk twice, the second time cornering me, trying to make me say that my husband’s good looks came from him…they didn’t, his bio mom is much prettier and nicer lol but I didn’t say so because he hits women when he drinks and always gets away with it.
    His wife, my husbands stepmother, harmed our infant son by deliberately washing his blankets using so much scented fabric softener I could smell them from 5 feet away, after TWO separate occasions when I told her don’t do it, that he was extremely allergic and please do not wash his things at her home with her scented laundry soap/fabric softener! She also told me she would administer his allergy meds and Tylenol at night before bed (his allergies were acting up and he was teething 😢). She dropped him off with red rimmed eyes just whimpering and so distraught. She acted like this was such an inconvenience and told me he was up all night crying and I said “Even with the medicine?” And she said no, she doesn’t believe in giving children medicine! Fine lady but don’t tell me you’ll give it to him then, like you did last night! I was so livid I could barely speak. I have never let them take him alone again. My husband had a falling out with them soon afterward because he chose to marry me and stood up to them. We haven’t had much contact.
    It’s been 3 years now and recently their GC has defied them and is not in the picture. He’s a terrible person and they made him that way. They made excuse after excuse for him but eventually there were none left. So sad.
    So now they’ve recently reached out and reunited with my husband. He has wanted their approval his entire life and has now forgotten all of the abuse. He is also letting them influence him to have animosity toward me. They have also given his ex a trailer to live in close to them with their granddaughter. She is easier to control. I’m not an idiot and I’ve had the audacity to call them out on their gross behavior. They’ve even said to him that he should have stayed with her! When he was with her they hated her too! It’s so sick. And it’s harming the children. My husbands ex and I were getting along and co-mothering so well and now w/out going into details they’ve created drama and ruined that. I haven’t seen my stepdaughter in a month 😢😢 and my kids haven’t seen their sister! My husband is refusing to see whats happening and thy might very well win and destroy our family. They are disgusting and absolutely psychotic, and see nothing wrong with their behavior.

    What do I do??

    Reply
  • August 4, 2018 at 12:33 pm
    Permalink

    In regards to the resentment after years of not having your spouse stand up for you: please try to remember that your spouse has grown up in an emotionally abusive family. They likely don’t even know how to stand up for themselves, much less anybody else.

    My husband and I spent the first fifteen years of our marriage dealing with his family trying to “get rid of” me any way they could, and it did nearly destroy our relationship-especially after it cost us a house and nearly cost us our children. But once I got angry enough to start pointing out his family’s abuse and standing up to it, with or without my husband, he started to realize how dysfunctional his family really was. I think for him the moment dawn broke was when I pointed out that I had spent fifteen years choosing to stay with him in spite of his family’s constant insults, lies, and manipulation, but the minute he told them “no,” they all threatened to abandon him.

    We’ve been no contact with his family since. It IS still hard to face some of the issues his family caused in our relationship, especially now that I’m possibly going to die soon. He’s guilt-ridden because he essentially emotionally abandoned me for over half our time together, and now that things are getting better, we may not have time to repair all the damage. We will never fully recover from the abuse. I remind myself that we’ve both suffered enormously from his family’s evil, and that helps keeps the resentment in check-but it doesn’t make it go away entirely, I’m afraid. But remembering that he grew up with these whack-jobs trying to murder his soul since birth makes it a lot harder to hate him.

    Reply
  • February 20, 2019 at 5:43 am
    Permalink

    I could go on and on. I knew what I was getting into, but thankfully husband has supported me for the most part. So …..Ready…? My in ln laws (father in law the narcissist) aare watching my two children at the time ages 4 and 2 so my husband and I could go have an Anniversary dinner, I was 9 months pregnant at the time. upon our return from dinner kids are crying telling us they were afraid and wanted to go home, they should have been asleep (llpm). Long slay short , they were playing in back yard. father in law , at dusk yells for them to come in , they don’t • He turns off all outside light, including landscape lights which usually stay on all night, locked all doors and went to bed. They live in woods, Cyote frequently are spotted. The kids had to let themselves off of deck , around to front in pitch black though wooded area, upto the front property to ring door bell to alert his wife . My daughter just turned 4 and son was in a wet pamper, 18 months crying on front doorway ! Did I mention they have an unground large (swimmy pool esqe) Hot tub, that was where they were playing when he lockd out. They were never to be in there when we weren’t there. So he wasn’t going to be told by me what to do so in the Hot tub . . . . then when he had no control over them, he fixed that too. And you kn0W its my fault! I raised Brats and it they listened never needed to happen . last time he watched any of my Kids • I also never voiced my displeasure to him , only my husband Whom e voiced his!

    Reply
  • February 25, 2019 at 4:13 am
    Permalink

    Thank you for the article it mirrors my life exactly so far and interesting to see the patterns of NP families . I encountered NP in my husbands family his dad was a NP and his mum an enabler . His younger brother was the GC and my husband the scape goat . They were all so welcoming when I first met them however didn’t take long for the NP traits to be revealed . It came to a head when my husbands brother met his now wife and my NP father in law started to make things a competition between us as in who he thought the best daughter in law was which was something I had no intention of being part of . I then couldn’t do anything right at every opportunity they would pull me down and try to drive a wedge between my husband and I . We stood together streadfast and continued to go to family get togethers and put up with the rude behaviours and being ignored by certain family members . It became intolerable at my NP father in laws birthday when he was rude to me in front of everyone including my nephews and nieces . That was the turning point when I decided enough was enough and things were never going to change so decided to go no contact and have been since . It’s really sad that this is how things ended though I know I’ve been blamed for everything since as they have taken no responsibility in the role they played in any of this issue . It’s soul destroying to be treated so rudely for no reason other than my husband was their scapegoat . I’ve had years of therapy to deal with this issue .

    Reply
  • January 10, 2020 at 7:04 pm
    Permalink

    This was the best article I have read in a long time it feels like it was written about my experience … had I stumbled across before I was engaged and then married I may not be getting a divorce…

    Reply
 

Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *