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Reconciliation with a Personality Disordered Parent

“In general, the more dysfunctional the family, the more inappropriate their response to disclosure. Never expect a sane response from an insane system.”
― Renee Fredrickson, Repressed Memories: A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse

Referred to as the dramatic, emotional, and erratic cluster, the four Cluster-B personality disorders are antisocial, borderline, narcissistic and histrionic.

Often, I encounter men and women seeking treatment for the mental disorders they incurred from years of psychological, physical and sexual abuse perpetrated by their Cluster-B personality- disordered parents.

Typically, these men and women committed to their recovery and growth are insightful and courageous. As they heal and dismantle the wreckage of their past, they begin to unravel the complexity of the abuse they endured at the hands of their caregivers.

They also begin to expose the pernicious nature of their parents and the ruinous damage brought about by years of parental violation and neglect.

The Disordered Parent

PD parents lack empathy, are egomaniacal, manipulative and fixated on status and personae. Through shattering illusions and de-mythologizing, the victim awakens to the myriad strategies employed by the abusive parent to maintain power and control.

They come to know that the abuser, incapable of empathy and thus indifferent to another’s pain, is intolerant of any lapses in attention and impervious to truth and reason.

The parent perpetrates smear campaigns against his/her child, vilifies and scapegoats, gaslights, willfully manipulates and physically, emotionally and psychologically abuses with no moral compunction. The abuser skillfully plays the victim while vilifying their victimized children and engages gullible others to target the scapegoated family member.

As adult children of PD abusers stabilize, they typically recognize the need to create distance from their familial perpetrators.

The degree of pathology evidenced in the disordered parent, largely determines whether reconciliation or indeterminate estrangement will prevail.

The adult survivor of child abuse has to consider if further involvement with the PD parent will open them up to further abuse and harm. If  PD abusers lack the capacity for insight and positive change, it is likely they will persist with predation, denying their perfidious motives and evidencing an absence of sincere remorse.

Reconciliation?

On the malignant end of the PD continuum, the PD parent will perceive reconciliation as an opportunity to further manipulate, control, punish and extort narcissistic supply from their prey.

To re-engage with this degree of pathology puts the adult victim at risk for regressing into dysfunctional interpersonal patterns, succumbing to guilt and cognitive dissonance, getting mired in confused roles and being flooded by abandonment panic.

Essentially it is an act of self-sabotage, which results in chaos and corroded self-esteem.

While the malignant PD parent intentionally maneuvers to inflict pain, perpetrators with PD traits as opposed to the full-blown PD, may have the capacity to insightfully examine how their abuse of power has harmed others.

Under these conditions, it may be tenable for adult children of parents with PD traits to engage in a healing process of reconciliation.

In order for such a process to unfold, the adult child needs to be sufficiently healed and appropriately have boundaries. Adult children of PD abusers must be adequately prepared for the possibility of a disappointing outcome, in which the PD parent denies their actions and hence withholds apology.

For many, this constitutes a deal-breaker which results in finality. For others, sufficient healing and realistic expectations may encourage a willingness to tolerate a relationship with PD parents who have the capacity to modify objectionable behavior, with the full understanding that there will be enforced repercussions for inappropriate words and actions.

This scenario necessitates an ability to accept a dynamic with a disordered parent who is at best able to have a modicum of decency. In the most successful cases, true repentance is demonstrated and with that the establishment of a healthier renewed sense of familial connection.

Whatever the outcome, for many adult children subjected to years of abuse by their PD parents, simply confronting the abuse and standing in their truth is a powerfully cathartic act offering redemption from victimization and the sense of empowerment resulting from confronting injustice. It is reclamation of one’s dignity, allowing for transformation and inner peace.

Serious conversation photo available from Shutterstock

Reconciliation with a Personality Disordered Parent

Rev Sheri Heller, LCSW

Rev. Sheri Heller, LCSW, is a seasoned NYC psychotherapist with 25+ years experience in the addiction and mental health fields. Sheri is also an interfaith minister and playwright, and the founder of The Sistah Tribe - Phoenix Project, a therapeutic theater event for at-risk women and girls in the public sector of NYC. For more information, visit www.sheritherapist.com

 

APA Reference
Heller, R. (2015). Reconciliation with a Personality Disordered Parent. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 12, 2018, from https://pro.psychcentral.com/reconciliation-with-a-personality-disordered-parent/

 

Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 24 Oct 2015
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Oct 2015
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.