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12 thoughts on “What to expect after leaving your narcissist and going “no contact”

  • January 30, 2018 at 8:45 pm
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    And you also have to be thankful of being totally disconnected from a narcissist employer who thinks their secrets are hidden. When a narcissist speaks indirect or has to get things done through others, that shows how much of an utter coward they are and have no home training.

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  • May 14, 2018 at 11:17 am
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    Much of what I read about narcissists is about men abusing women. What do you do when the narcissistic abuser is your daughter? She is away at uni, so we had not witnessed her behaviour with men up close. She would tell us she was dating someone, then after about 6 months she would break it off with each one saying they were controlling or stalkers. We believed her. A year ago she brought home her intended, a sweet young man she met while working as an au pair. In front of our eyes for the first time we watched her love bomb him. We thought it was real as she planned their wedding. She started to remake him, then kept him on the hook while she secretly dated someone else from her study group of 2. We watched her intended do everything for her, including selling all his possessions to be close to her as they planned their future. He sacrifice all his time working, running her errands, doing her laundry because she is in a hard program and needs to study a lot. He was building their future. Meanwhile, she is off with the #2 under the guise of “studying.” She finally broke off with her fiancee, whom we admire for his hard work, helpfulness, and devotion to her, though he clearly gave too much of himself. She was very cruel to him in the end, crushing his hopes and sending him back to his family to explain why he will have no wife. He had to cancel the wedding preparations he spent his life savings on. Our shameless daughter went off with #2 to Hawaii for a vacation, on #2’s tab (likely funded by his father, because the kid is 5 years younger than our daughter!). Now she is back and expects to be welcomed home by the family. As her parent, I want to be sick. She is talking her siblings and aunts and even her gran round, though they all know what she has done. She, and now they, are acting as if nothing has happened. I need to forgive her for my sake, not for hers, but how can I and not enable more shameless behaviour? The worst part is the lack of remorse. She is faithless, cruel and selfish and I really don’t want anymore to do with her. But that will put me outside my own family when she is the one to blame for this disaster. I feel for the young man who blended so well into our family through his kindness and good humour. I am grateful he is free of her, but he is still broken over it all and says he is still in love with her. She is not worth it. He understands he must work on himself to not attract another one like her in the future and says it will take him years to recover from this. It is certainly best that they not marry, since she would continue to abuse him, but we will miss him. I figure #2, who has yet to show his face to us, has another 5 months before his head will be on the block–unless his father keeps paying the tab. What is the best way forward for all of us as her family? I don’t think her capable of remorse, and therefore, growth. At least that is what I read about narcissists, though this seems to let the off the hook for their bad choices. They do have choices, after all.

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  • July 10, 2018 at 8:47 pm
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    I don’t know what you can do, maybe grey rock and be softly distant, but I had to comment to say you are an really good parent. I admire you so much for your honesty and your compassion to the boy, I truly can’t imagine your disappointment but I just want you to know I am grateful that people like you were there for some of the victims of narcissistic abusers.

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  • October 16, 2018 at 10:11 am
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    I like this puts it all in one place direct an to the point. I’ve read most all this all over the web . im sure some was from Sharie’s other articles . seems i used all that knowledge to really get the thoughts from this article. Thank you Sharie
    I’ll be saving this to refer back too on my healing journey

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  • October 18, 2018 at 11:03 pm
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    You write “Once you finish going through the detox phase…” but, how long does this last? I have made no-contact for one month and, one week ago he finally stopped writing and sending flowers and presents. So, 5 weeks on and I am in utter physical and physical pain. I obsess, I crave.

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    • October 18, 2018 at 11:59 pm
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      It will get better. You need to work a “program of recovery” just like any other addict trying to break an addiction.

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  • November 3, 2018 at 9:17 am
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    I really liked the article. My problem is I own the home and he has 9 years of belongings here. I am not sure how to handle it. he works once in a while.where do I put all 9 years of things for him to pick up without getting anything stolen. Most of his friends are homeless and stop by on a regular basis. I can’t guard his stuff all the time. what if he wants to go look to make sure i got everything of his out. He is abusive and I am scared of him when he gets mad. Not sure what else to say. I hope your able to advise me.

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  • December 26, 2018 at 12:53 pm
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    Thank you for this article. I am at a total loss at the moment and I have not known where to turn and have had a fear things would not be better in the future. I am gay, together with my husband since 1999. We have 2 kids together, adopted from birth. We are both successful professionals. Over time, he has slowly eroded my confidence with small jabs. I walk on eggshells constantand there are often explosions at others, the kids, myself, which I have to extinguish. There has been infidelity on both parts admittedly. I believe he has not been upfront about so much more but when we talk and I ask any question, it becomes a violent explosion. I want to protect my kids and end things but I am scared on how to progress to the future this article mentions. Just this morning, he woke me up to a fight that we have had for the past year, and again he violently exploded at me, stating that he would smear my name in social media if I left him and tell our kids every bad thing I did in our relationship. I am scared to end things. I am the higher wage earner, I believe (hope) the stable person, though I think through gaslighting I question myself daily, and I am scared daily that I am going to lose my children and our home to a person not truly stable.
    This year he was diagnosed bipolar, but through reading articles, I’m not sure if he was misdiagnosed. Post medications and therapy, there is little change. Everything this article mentions still holds true. I am at a loss. My confidence is gone, I am no longer the role model I need to be for my kids, and at times my 6 year old has comforted me when finding me in tears. This is not the life they should be living but I fear for all of us. Are there articles or help and guidance on how to safely and properly end this in the best way possible? I don’t want to hurt him at all. I have no ill feelings and no there is a good person in him. He is a good father, but this not a healthy relationship.

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  • January 2, 2019 at 4:03 pm
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    I just don’t know where to begin I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist a marriage for 22+ years we share two children ages 17 and 20 we currently do not reside together he has a court order that only runs till February 8 he has been removed from my home since September 9 of 2017. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when this order runs out and he thinks he’s going to walk right back into my home he’s been trying to get me to go to marriage counseling and he thinks that we can work on this relationship but I can’t he is a complete narcissist he is out of the house for assaulting me on 9 September last year and this is not the first time. And I know him it will not be the last and I will not put myself through this or my children ever again. He has struck my son and we had a PFA against him three years ago in May and then the children got to the point where they wanted him To come back home they were still young then now they are to the point where they realize who he is and what he is and that he’s destroying me and I am just getting sicker and sicker from him and that he’s just too toxic to be around. I just had a second shoulder surgery on December 7 on my right arm and that was the first one he performed in September in order to have the surgery on December 7. In between the two surgeries he came here and would not leave and my shoulder gotInjured trying to get him to leave he is allowed on my premises only to pick up his mail and only if he’s invited he does not leave when he comes here he does not take no for an answer I can probably get them thrown in jail but it’s only going to be till February 8 and then he’s just going to come out madder than when he went in! Pennsylvania is a common wealth and they don’t really protect women and I’m to the point where I am completely sick and a shell of the person I once was from being with him for as long as I’ve been with him. I have complicated migraine disorder I have severe depression I have panic disorder I lay in bed for probably six hours at least out of the day from a depression. When he was here all he said about those things were that I’m faking it there’s nothing wrong with me however I was put out by my primary care doctor from work in 2012 and I have been fighting for my disability ever since I also have degenerative disc disease and many other ailments and I cannot have him anywhere near me but I don’t know what to do I know that I have PTSD also from him! I am in a constant state of stress waiting to see what the next thing that happens is both my son and I sleep with firearms next to our bed because we don’t know when and if he’s going to show up! I don’t know where to begin I’m getting myself help I don’t know how I’m going to get past this this is the part of my DNA from the last 22+ years! He found the perfect Idiot when he found me. He just destroyed me a little more year after year after year he ruined my relationship with my older children from my first marriage I have a granddaughter that I never even met them yet I don’t even have the financial means to me or I don’t even have the ability to pay my car insurance he hasn’t worked and I don’t know how long he blames all the bills on me like I create the bills myself it’s just such a world of quicksand that I live it every day I feel like I’m just sleeping more and more underneath I like I can’t breathe. I’ve already spoke to psychiatrist. On several occasions I told her that I felt suicidal because it was just too much stress I’m in so much physical pain. She didn’t seem like she understood what I’m going through I don’t think many people out there understand what it’s like to live with someone that has narcissistic qualities and then when they truly take over someone’s life for the amount of time that my husband has been in my life and what it does to a person . I just pray that my children from seeing what it’s done to me do not allow anyone to ever do this to them because they despise their father which I’m very sad about but I hope it makes them strong enough to never choose someone that would destroy their life the way that he’s destroyed mine and theirs. The not knowing how I’m gonna pay anything I don’t want to file for bankruptcy I have no help from him I can’t have my 20-year-old son paying for phone bills every month or asking them to pay for Car insurance. He is very sick with pulmonary issues it’s just a never ending state of chaos even with him not here because when he shows up it’s just ridiculous. We were all on the family plan for our phones and for insurance and I dropped his vehicle off the insurance and I dropped his phone off the family plan and he went crazy but I can’t pay my bills here he doesn’t legally live here what am I supposed to do I don’t know what to do I don’t know where to begin I don’t know who could help me I don’t know how to help myself it’s really hard to figure out that you wasted all your time with someone that was supposed to love you and care for you someone that made children with you and took on the responsibility of a marriage and a family oh then you realize that they don’t care about you or your children that you have together .It’s absolutely devastating and heartbreaking and I Just I excepted being treated like crap all along And went through the motions and letting it us all be made to be treated like garbage and torn to shreds what is wrong with me ? Every lie he gets caught and he just says everything is a joke everything is just a joke this is an a joke this is our lives of been wasted oh he wants to fix our marriage and then he goes and has been an emotional affair with some girl that’s 15 years younger than him on YouTube saying terrible things that have his name attached to it to embarrass his family he has a charge from hurting an animal he all these things that he’s done it is names in the paper and he’s an embarrassment but it’s everybody else’s fault ! but his it’s like he Takes no accountability for anything and because he didn’t drink because it’s part of his probation for 15 or 16 months he thinks that that makes him a Superior person! But he quit smoking cigarettes over 22 years ago because I wouldn’t marry him unless he quit smoking because I didn’t smoke and I had custody of my older girls and there was no smoking in my home around them I guess this is when I used to know who I was or not that I know who that person is anymore and I set a standard and I said if you want to live with us and move it a home that I own then you can’t smoke and he quit smoking all those years ago and now he quit drinking but now he is smoking cigarettes again so to me that’s just switching addictions but you can’t say that to him you can’t say anything to him because right away it’s a huge argumentAnd to me it’s not even worth arguing about because at this point I don’t care if you smoke cigarettes I don’t care about anything but figuring out how I get away from him how I keep my kids safe from him myself safe from him and how purge our lives and souls from his evilness. My children need to have help with learning some skill on healing from this also. If anyone can direct me to the best way to start the healing process. I need to have him completely out of out lives, we need to be safe. I need to be reprogrammed. I miss smiling, be able to breathe& being proud of myself.

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  • January 7, 2019 at 10:09 am
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    This type of recommendation needs to be done in person with a therapist as your recommendations are being used on people who are not actually narcissists and is hurting a lot of families and breaking them apart. In fact I attempted to contact the author at the posted contact only to find that email no longer works.

    Be very careful and seek professional help before trying this NO Contact as it has and is causing many problems today and it is growing based on what I have researched. In most cases the individuals who adopt the No Contact process think they are using it to protect themselves from a narcissist relationship when in fact there has never been a truly diagnosed narcissist behavior in the people they are using it against. Thus causing damage to many others. If you think you are dealing with a narcissist relationship get professional help do not try to be a arm chair psychologist. And to those who publish things like this on the web you should make your first comment that they need to seek professional help.

    We have started traveling down a very dangerous slope and if the trend continues it will only serve to damage many family units now and in the future.

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    • January 7, 2019 at 10:25 pm
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      Going “no contact” is one strategy that people can choose to use when dealing with toxic relationships. Sometimes it is the best approach, after everything else is tried. Then, there are those who use “no contact” as a punishment or means of alienating others. This is different.

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  • January 15, 2019 at 5:47 pm
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    Sharie, I want to know the symtoms I will go through in detail. what to expect, I want to help myself and others to get free from bondage,.. Please give me a list of things we can expect, I need to know this for my ability to recover and help others to recover also. Its imperative. I do thank you for what you shared and for helping Trauma VIctims. Sincerely, Brittnee PS I have a very severe pain condition caused by Interstitial Cystitis. After 28 yrs of fire pain in my bladder and advanced cancer pain in my abdomen it went away, will this pain be returning after I go no contact, and the dopamine and opoid receptors get back to normal or is in no way related. He also increased my hormones to normal. I just want to know what to expect. I will leave anyway , can you consult a medical professional for your answer to this. sincerely brittnee

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