5 thoughts on “Lies Victims Tell Themselves When in an Abusive/Narcissistic Relationship

  • November 16, 2019 at 9:26 am

    What if you feel both sides? Like you are both the abuser and the abused?

    • November 17, 2019 at 12:37 pm

      Then it might be a good time to change.

  • November 17, 2019 at 1:17 am

    Hi Dr. Stines, thank you so much for sharing this article. It has opened my eyes to a truth I could not see for myself. Love is a verb.

    I have been making excuses for my daughter’s father for years.

    The abuse has gotten so bad, his mother recently called me on the telephone and I declined to speak to her at that time (frankly, i didn’t want to talk to anyone). Mind you, she and I have spoken on the phone once in the last 5 years, and when she called my bf put the phone on speaker so not only did I not have a choice to listen to her or not, my daughter also had to hear the hour long conversation. Which wasn’t really even a conversation bc i wasn’t allowed to get in a single word and when I attempted, I was scolded for “running my g** d*** mouth too much and not listening”.

    She used countless profanities, insults, and even asked if I wanted her to send pictures she has of me “smoking crack” to my employer or other member’s of my family. **the picture of me smoking crack is actually a pic of me abusing meth; it’s over 10 years old and was uploaded from an old cell phone, before we dated or even knew each other**

    Wouldn’t her actions be considered blackmail? Is she abusing me too?

    Long story short: I did not want my 5 year old to hear ANY of this, but there was nothing i could do to get her off the phone or get my daughter and I away from the situation! Is there such a thing as mother’s of narcissistic son’s gas lighting the abused victim? Her son is physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me. I have stated that I wanted to have him arrested for family violence and it seems like once she found this out, she tried her best to convince me I was the reason her son was abusive. That him hitting me is MY fault.

    Also, he has brainwashed me into thinking I can’t make it without him and if I report his abuse, he’ll have me arrested for drug abuse and my daughter will be taken by the state.

    I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and for us I want to get better.

    I have an assessment at a women’s and children’s inpatient rehab facility in about 3 weeks, but in the mean time do you have any suggestions I can do to protect myself and/ or not react to his abuse?

    Thank you so much for listening!

    B.T.W. I’ve been diagnosed p.t.s.d. (from my childhood), bi-polar, and to have depression. I also believe I have B.P.D., self-diagnosed. He also has NOT been diagnosed as having NPD from a professional, that was merely my opinion

    • November 17, 2019 at 12:36 pm

      Sounds pretty abusive. It doesn’t really matter what someone’s official diagnosis is in the end. Abusive person, narcissist, A$$hole – it’s all bad. There’s a good YouTube video by “The Little Shaman” entitled, “Your Emergency Narcissist Tootkit.” I would recommend that as a great resource for what to do in the meantime.

  • June 8, 2020 at 3:18 am

    I think a girl I work with is being abused by her boyfriend, she’s islander?…. This girl name E (won’t reveal her full name) started working at my job 2 months ago, the first week I saw her we didn’t interact until one day as I was loading the tables with plastic containers for her, we finally made eye contact, and it wasn’t a typical eye contact, it was like a desperate,urgent, and inviting can you help me type look and stare. It was literally out of the movies type look, I swear on everything. Keep in mind, she has a boyfriend, however, she tells me it’s her brother, which is not, because her instagram I see her and him affectionate together, and he drives the same car he picks her up in (2year relationship). This is what she does, she goes to the bathroom a lot like she’s texting him constantly, her bf gunned his engine as she left work when i said “damn” in a naive way as I stared at her booty as she got into his car. One time I showed obvious interest in her as she left work with him in his car, she suddenly was gone the whole week from work, but came back the next week saying “she was sick because a cat was in my bed which I was allergic too”… when we walk out of work together, many times her so called sister who picks her Up parks 2 minutes away, E excuse was “she’s running late to work” . her boyfriend was blowing the horn frantically at her as she was walking to his car from work as I was getting into the car. Then drove off (I saw as they drove off, he was yelling at her) next day she had an arm brace explaining she sprained her arm at work


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