advertisement

10 thoughts on “Disgust, Disdain, and Contempt: The Narcissist’s Favorite Emotions (Oh, and then there’s Envy)

  • September 8, 2016 at 1:18 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you for this!! This reads like you were a fly on the wall of the home my boyfriend shared with his now ex-wife. What she does to her children is exactly what you described here. It is incredible to see how those with NPD all abuse in these ways, implying you are lacking without having to say it outright.

    Reply
  • September 9, 2016 at 11:59 am
    Permalink

    As a mental health professional for more than 30 years, I find it particularly troubling that certain personalities are singled out & nearly demonized on this site…as in the article above. I would remind the writers & readers of this material that personality disordered individuals are suffering too. That they are not victimizing wholly individuals. There is a dynamic here that involves someone volunteering to play the victim role. If you are working with or writing about either of these unfortunates please see that the values for each is in helping him/her to develop some self awareness & a plan for healing their own suffering.

    Reply
    • September 9, 2016 at 10:21 pm
      Permalink

      I think that certain personalities are more troubling than others. Yes, it is true that people with the Cluster B personality types get a bad rap – narcissistic, borderline, and anti-social (you don’t see much about histrionic), and it’s because they tend to cause the most damage in their relationships. Victims are not responsible for the behavior of the personality disordered loved one in their lives. They don’t like it, choose it, create it, control it, contribute to it, or volunteer to be part of it; but they do try to adapt to it. Targets of narcissism in particular tend to spend much of their energy trying to figure out their narcissistic loved one’s “underlying issues.” “She was abused by her mother.” “He was beaten as a child.” “She doesn’t realize what she’s doing.” These are all compassionate viewpoints and the personality disordered person uses the empathy of their targets to their own advantage. There is no compromising, collaborating, or sharing solutions to co-existing relationship problems. Victims do not like being abused, neglected, ignored, or blamed. They are not masochistic or in some way wanting this type of relationship. Narcissists blame others and the others usually take the blame. The only way to heal from narcissistic abuse is for the victim to stop trying to make the relationship work. He/she must stop believing that in any way is the narcissist’s behaviors related to anything he or she has done. Victims need to hear over and over again, “It’s not your fault,” because they have been convinced that they are to blame. Targets have very low self-esteem from the constant emotional abuse that goes “under the radar,” and when they seek help from professionals, so often they find the therapists and pastors being sucked into the narcissist’s web. Many experts try to fix the “system.” This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional belief that the partner of the narcissist is culpable in some way for the narcissist’s behavior. Their main culpability is that of proximity. As long as they stay near the narcissist, they will be subjected to the objectification and abuse. And if the victim is a child? Then he or she will figure out how to dissociate some how, which tends to lead to another whole variety of problems.

      Reply
    • June 10, 2018 at 10:52 pm
      Permalink

      You are kidding right? The narcissist doesn’t want to change, because they are perfect, why should they? It is everyone else that is inferior. I had this in a recent work relationship. I could not escape, or play it right. I did not play the victim, I was the victim. This dysfunctional relationship only ended because I stopped working there. She was a bully, menace.

      Reply
    • September 16, 2018 at 4:35 am
      Permalink

      Replying to Sister Sophie
      You may have well spent 30 + years as a mental health practioner but your ignorance shows that you know nothing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or even Cluster Bs in general)
      With all due respect, I suggest that you either retrain in this area or desist from giving advice on this particular subject as your ignorance is not just shocking but as a mental health practitioner, it is actually dangerous too.
      I have over 40 years of experience of NPD. My father has it, several of my family members has it and until recently I was surrounded by them (frenemies, boyfriends and bosses)
      I can substantiate that everything in this article is 100% correct and if anything was almost a little too kind to the NPD.
      It is not a coincidence that many people are convinced that they are “demon possessed” due to their sadism and delight in other people’s pain. I believe that a Narcissist is a lot closer to a Psychopath that people care to admit. One person’s accurate observation of Narcissists are that they are “evil idiots” who do not possess the intelligence to be a full blown plotting Psychopath.
      There is a very high incidence of Narcissists getting people to commit suicide. If coersion to commit suicide was a crime then I think a lot of the narcissists would be in prison now.
      Unlike the Psychopath who may kill you in an instant, a Narcissist drips poison into a victim’s food supply over a long period of time. They literally erode your complete self worth and will to live after suffering at length.
      There are many times in my life that I have metaphorically been on the end of a noose, precariously balanced on a stool underneath. My narcissist father has many times tried to kick the stool from under me.
      These people are especially beyond dangerous as they never seek treatment as they think they are perfect. We are surrounded by them now, like walking zombies and they are undiagnosed and untreated. It is a terrifying epidemic.
      The only cure for NPD is for the victim to cut them out of their life, that’s it.

      p.s. No one chooses to be a victim.
      That truly is a hateful comment and makes me doubt your credentials entirely

      Reply
      • June 25, 2019 at 9:36 pm
        Permalink

        There is much truth to many of the comments here about the true nature and behaviors of Narcissists. I was in close proximity to a Narcissist (my mother) for many years, and she led me along a path of emotional destruction I almost did not survive. She nearly succeeded in driving me to suicide, yet at the time I failed to realize what she was really doing since I knew nothing at all about psychology which I now consider to be a blueprint for her behaviors. Thank God, there are well-informed professionals who can clearly explain the reasoning, or lack thereof, behind these peculiar and unfortunate variants of human beings.

        Reply
    • October 31, 2018 at 11:48 am
      Permalink

      I am a coach and advocate for Asian American professionals. I work with highly intelligent successful people who in their 40s and 50s are still dealing with effects of narcissistic fathers and mothers. And yes, many of them are also married to narcissists and have been involved in numerous toxic relationships.

      The only reason they “volunteered to be a victim” is because as children they were subject to narcissism and they see it as normal human behavior because they haven’t known anything else all their lives.

      It is truly tragic. My mission is to equip all those who have been accustomed to this kind of toxicity to break free from these cultural norms and find happiness and success in all areas of their lives.

      Reply
      • November 1, 2018 at 1:40 am
        Permalink

        That’s great!

        Reply
    • August 18, 2019 at 3:21 am
      Permalink

      That someone suffers is not an excuse for abusing others

      Reply
  • January 18, 2017 at 7:12 pm
    Permalink

    Thank you for writing this and for further explaining why defining a type of person ultimately does matter when offering help for unhealthy relationships.

    I would have killed myself just to escape the guilt I felt for ‘making my partner hurt me’ and for how ‘worthless I am without him’ after he left the relationship. It really is like having been brainwashed while in the relationship. I also want to point out to the writer of the comment advocating for a more fair therapeutic point of view for both partners that I ache every day for the suffering of my former partner. But he thinks he is OK, and if I agreed with him, and accepted his behavior pattern I would be either struggling daily or dead. You see, when he and I became romantically involved, I assumed he hurt me because he was ‘having a bad day’ and people make mistakes. Then when those ‘mistakes’ became a pattern, I explained what I needed from him instead, then the hurting only intensified because I needed to be not have needs from his point of view. We fought all the time and I was always hysterical by its end and he agreed to stay with me due to how pathetic I was (he was saving me).

    We we cycled through this pattern for five years. Every day I want to reach out to him and say, “hey, let me be here for you while you are in pain. How can I help?” That sentence has no referent to him because he thinks he is OK.

    Reply
 

Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *